Sometimes things happen in our lives that are so traumatic we have to completely turn-off to cope. Live in an almost out of body state.... not that people don't know what is happening to them; they just don't feel what is happening. I see this day after day in friends and clients, even in our society. But, at what point do those feelings return? I believe the answer is, when something worse happens. I think that is what people mean by, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." But, I don't think it is strength that we gain, I think it is wisdom.

What doesn't kill us makes us smarter.

I believe it is in that wisdom that we lose bits of ourselves; innocence perhaps. We start out life fearless, reckless, and some of us leave life the same way. Most of us leave life not fearless but scared shitless by all of the horror and pain we have seen. So, how do those select few die feeling hopeful for those left behind, hopeful for what is to come?

Are our thoughts and emotions just coping games that our minds play on us? Is our fight or flight response seeping into our brains, shutting out the often harsh realities and filling us with hope for a future? I am watching a friend of mine very slowly fight a long battle with cancer. She is not hoping for her cancer to go away, as it is not an option. She is fighting for time, giving up time to fight for a little more time. Time to do all the things she never did... she never did these things because of fear and anger. We give ourselves all these excuses in life to avoid doing things we need to do. I never had time, I never had the money, I couldn't take time off, I was scared. Priorities are disoriented in the battle of making it through daily life. For many people, it's too late when they realize they messed up. Others feel fortunate to be blessed with a few more months or years to "change things around and make amends." But, why do so many people wait until the end? Or wait until they feel as though things couldn't get worse? I don't know any of these answers. I feel fortunate enough to ask the question, hopeful that I am young enough to still make time for my priorities, choose my battles, and try to not fear the unknown. In knowing all of that, I still don't know what to say to someone when it's already too late for them. When they are at the end, with no hopes of taking a different path.

I have turned to doing nothing, ever. I often think about going out, finding things to do, but lately it just doesn't happen. Today I woke up, annoyed to still be alive. I decided, to make the best of it, maybe go for a walk and read a book. I opened the window to discover it is raining. I showered, which was quite the accomplishment. The plan to go to a coffee shop and read all afternoon. Not happening! Where does motivation come from? Can I buy some somewhere? I just feel so lost in my misery that I don't have any idea how to climb out and salvage my life. I try not to think about it... much. All the people around me with so much to do, I feel like a cheater, sitting here not enjoying the fact that I have nothing to do. Krissy came to visit this weekend, even that couldn't pull me out of my self-pity part. I need some inspiration in my life, some action, or at least, a reason to feel as miserable as I do.