Thoughts on life with a significant other...

After spending 4 years single and dating I have finally ended up in a relationship. I feel like I had just gotten good at dating, and now I am trying to be a we. Juggling life... work, friends, hobbies, and now a boyfriend. (I still giggle a little when I say that word).

He consumes my mind a good portion of the time. Just little smiles floating through the revolving door of my quickly distracted thoughts. Meditating has caused this revolving door to rapidly spin with no foreseeable end, preventing dwelling. On the bright side, I am pretty sure I am consuming much of his thoughts as well... For whatever reason, in the last week he has decided to jump heart first into this relationship. Months of my patience wearing on me, seeing him once a week has finally changed. My advisers warn me that now it will be too much, and he'll start driving me crazy. But, I'll enjoy the ride, and keep in mind it is not a good idea to jump out of a moving vehicle. I think the word for me right now is, smitten... overall I will steal a word from Eric Weiner and call it conjoyment.

I am feeling great about the fact that years of learning to remain calm, enjoy life, and live for myself seems to have finally paid off. I am reassured by this man that good men, even great men are out there. Another strange thing has come about with this relationship. My ambition to do things for myself has heightened greatly. I am starting to train for a mini-triathlon this fall, meditating 4-5x/week, doing yoga, and reading like crazy. It might be the weather, but I am motivated for life.

On a side-note my senses seem to have been awakened by Spring. Hanna put fresh lilacs in my treatment room yesterday. All day I thought of the old farm house, playing in the fields and barns with the boys... It's funny how something so small can spark such thoughts and emotions.

My five things to look forward to today:
1. The weekend
2. Being able to breathe after running a mile
3. Dinner with Amalie
4. Seeing my boy tomorrow
5. Seeing my bro in only one month!

Sometimes things happen in our lives that are so traumatic we have to completely turn-off to cope. Live in an almost out of body state.... not that people don't know what is happening to them; they just don't feel what is happening. I see this day after day in friends and clients, even in our society. But, at what point do those feelings return? I believe the answer is, when something worse happens. I think that is what people mean by, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." But, I don't think it is strength that we gain, I think it is wisdom.

What doesn't kill us makes us smarter.

I believe it is in that wisdom that we lose bits of ourselves; innocence perhaps. We start out life fearless, reckless, and some of us leave life the same way. Most of us leave life not fearless but scared shitless by all of the horror and pain we have seen. So, how do those select few die feeling hopeful for those left behind, hopeful for what is to come?

Are our thoughts and emotions just coping games that our minds play on us? Is our fight or flight response seeping into our brains, shutting out the often harsh realities and filling us with hope for a future? I am watching a friend of mine very slowly fight a long battle with cancer. She is not hoping for her cancer to go away, as it is not an option. She is fighting for time, giving up time to fight for a little more time. Time to do all the things she never did... she never did these things because of fear and anger. We give ourselves all these excuses in life to avoid doing things we need to do. I never had time, I never had the money, I couldn't take time off, I was scared. Priorities are disoriented in the battle of making it through daily life. For many people, it's too late when they realize they messed up. Others feel fortunate to be blessed with a few more months or years to "change things around and make amends." But, why do so many people wait until the end? Or wait until they feel as though things couldn't get worse? I don't know any of these answers. I feel fortunate enough to ask the question, hopeful that I am young enough to still make time for my priorities, choose my battles, and try to not fear the unknown. In knowing all of that, I still don't know what to say to someone when it's already too late for them. When they are at the end, with no hopes of taking a different path.

I have turned to doing nothing, ever. I often think about going out, finding things to do, but lately it just doesn't happen. Today I woke up, annoyed to still be alive. I decided, to make the best of it, maybe go for a walk and read a book. I opened the window to discover it is raining. I showered, which was quite the accomplishment. The plan to go to a coffee shop and read all afternoon. Not happening! Where does motivation come from? Can I buy some somewhere? I just feel so lost in my misery that I don't have any idea how to climb out and salvage my life. I try not to think about it... much. All the people around me with so much to do, I feel like a cheater, sitting here not enjoying the fact that I have nothing to do. Krissy came to visit this weekend, even that couldn't pull me out of my self-pity part. I need some inspiration in my life, some action, or at least, a reason to feel as miserable as I do.

feeling loved... alone

I often sit in my small apartment alone, wondering what to feel. I pace, I clean, I google random things, I try to slow down enough to read a few pages in a book...

Last night I got home from an incredibly long day feeling more overwhelmed and stressed than I could've imagined. I pride myself on a living a low-stress lifestyle, so feeling, or I should say "over feeling" always puzzles me. I had spent a few days crabby, not sleeping, not taking care of myself.... so, of course, I called Krissy. I called her to vent, as always, and she listened (or did a really great job of pretending). She could hear the stress in my voice, I told her I wished she was here, so that we could spend an entire day doing nothing. (We reminisce a lot). To my surprise, a few hours later Krissy, Wyllow, Mom, and Uncle Grandaddy showed up at my door. I felt happier than I have felt in a long time... more importantly, I felt taken care of. I was so excited to have 5 people sleeping in my little studio apartment, for quite possibly, one of the best slumber parties ever.

I have realized that the feelings of loneliness I so often have are really just a desire to be taken care of. Not even in a romantic way, but in a, I love you, your stressed, let me make dinner sort of way. I am exhausted from taking care of myself. I just wish I could come home to dinner, or a drink, or even someone. I am adjusting to Madison quite well, I love it here.... but, it would be so much better if all the people I love were here. Wyllow looked up at me today and said, "Auntie, you must be really lonely here all alone." As my eyes fought back tears I told her it wasn't bad, and I liked it, she then said, "but, we aren't here to visit you everyday." Purely simple to her, pure thought, pure concern...

But, rather than concentrating on the fact that I am missing out on Wyllow growing up, I concentrate on the fact that she is an amazing little girl... and I am partly to blame for that. I had an amazing time today playing in the pool with her and Krissy. Annoying all the mid-twenties sunbathing beauties by actually getting in the water.


It's easy to sit here, alone, forgetting that I'm really not alone. I am so lucky to have amazing family and friends that would do anything for me. So, rather than taking Rob's Buddhist advice and giving no more value to one person then another, I give continued value to the people who take care of me. But, I am most grateful today for the fact that my friends are crazy enough to drive three hours in the middle of the night to play some cards and do a little bit of nothing, together.

Life Plan...
So, Barb's right (again). I need to scratch the life plan bullshit. It's really not my style, I don't even know what my plans are for today! I had a horrible migraine again last night (that's number two this month). I seriously need to figure out what I can do about these. I was going to go to the cities today, but I haven't heard from Kris yet, so I think I'm stuck in EC. I am probably going to just go see Nanny McPhee with Krissy and Wyllow. It should be fun, assuming Wyllow does ok in her underwear through the movie!

I joined MySpace and I have no friends :( So if you have an account you should be my friend :)
Today it is cold and rainy, and I am reminded of Seattle. I miss it there and I think I need to go back, soon like! If only my single income could afford me an apartment there...

I am also currently trying to figure out how to April fools my dad. I think after multiple jokes about my disfunctional windshield wiper abilities I need to get him back! Did I tell you about my windshield wiper handicap? I don't think I did. My windshield wipers are the STUPIDEST windshield wipers ever! The design is absolutely ridiculous and I don't think I will ever really understand how to function them. But, seriously, if you're considering buying a new car, check out the windshield wipers first! They're something you will have to use and live with (like a guy) for a long time!

Anyhoo... happy April Fools Day!

Time....
So, I have a proposed question for all of my blog commentors (ers?). I am trying to conclude wether men are a complete waste of time, or if dating men is a complete waste of time. This may sound like an odd question, but I have recently come to believe that men are a complete waste of time. But, in saying that, I totally understand that there are some great men out there (mostly your boyfriends or husbands) who are all taken. It just seems as thought, decent, moral, smart, honest men don't exist in the single world. They're all gone, you all took them. But, at least it has only taken me until 22 to realize that I don't want to date the stupid, dishonest, usually unemployed men that I have such a nack for finding. (Dad will be happy about that one).

On another note, I am hmmmmm... okay today. (besides the finding out yet another guy is a sleezy waste of time). I only have six weeks left of school which makes me incredibly joyous (pass or fail). And I am currently trying to forman a life plan. One that takes me out of Eau Claire at the speed of light. (Not that I don't have friends and family I would miss dearly).

Wait... let me topic search so I can find something good to write about.

Spring Break???
So, my "Spring Break" officially starts tomorrow! I am very psyched, however, my professors gave me so much homework it won't really be a break at all! So, I have no plans and I wish I was going somewhere very warm and secluded!
St. Patrick's day was great! I drank way too much green beer (which surprisingly enough does not turn your pee green)! We went to the Wigwam and only witnessed one fight. Saturday we went to Black River for mom's birthday. She did well as always, we lost!
Today I had an incredibly lazy day. That is the extent of my thrilling life right now.