feeling loved... alone

I often sit in my small apartment alone, wondering what to feel. I pace, I clean, I google random things, I try to slow down enough to read a few pages in a book...

Last night I got home from an incredibly long day feeling more overwhelmed and stressed than I could've imagined. I pride myself on a living a low-stress lifestyle, so feeling, or I should say "over feeling" always puzzles me. I had spent a few days crabby, not sleeping, not taking care of myself.... so, of course, I called Krissy. I called her to vent, as always, and she listened (or did a really great job of pretending). She could hear the stress in my voice, I told her I wished she was here, so that we could spend an entire day doing nothing. (We reminisce a lot). To my surprise, a few hours later Krissy, Wyllow, Mom, and Uncle Grandaddy showed up at my door. I felt happier than I have felt in a long time... more importantly, I felt taken care of. I was so excited to have 5 people sleeping in my little studio apartment, for quite possibly, one of the best slumber parties ever.

I have realized that the feelings of loneliness I so often have are really just a desire to be taken care of. Not even in a romantic way, but in a, I love you, your stressed, let me make dinner sort of way. I am exhausted from taking care of myself. I just wish I could come home to dinner, or a drink, or even someone. I am adjusting to Madison quite well, I love it here.... but, it would be so much better if all the people I love were here. Wyllow looked up at me today and said, "Auntie, you must be really lonely here all alone." As my eyes fought back tears I told her it wasn't bad, and I liked it, she then said, "but, we aren't here to visit you everyday." Purely simple to her, pure thought, pure concern...

But, rather than concentrating on the fact that I am missing out on Wyllow growing up, I concentrate on the fact that she is an amazing little girl... and I am partly to blame for that. I had an amazing time today playing in the pool with her and Krissy. Annoying all the mid-twenties sunbathing beauties by actually getting in the water.


It's easy to sit here, alone, forgetting that I'm really not alone. I am so lucky to have amazing family and friends that would do anything for me. So, rather than taking Rob's Buddhist advice and giving no more value to one person then another, I give continued value to the people who take care of me. But, I am most grateful today for the fact that my friends are crazy enough to drive three hours in the middle of the night to play some cards and do a little bit of nothing, together.